Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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