i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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