my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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