This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
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We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
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Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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