the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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