Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
