I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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