Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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