Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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