i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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