my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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