i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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