Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
