If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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