I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
