a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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