I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
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Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
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Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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