she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
