No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
