I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
