when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
