put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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