Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
