Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
