He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
