I met the friendliest cop last night
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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