Need sex. Gaining weight.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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