fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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