I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
