if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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