Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
