Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
