God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
