I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
