I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
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He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
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Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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