That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
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She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
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The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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