I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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