Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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