I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
