ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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