i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
