my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
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