she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You pole danced in your parka.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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