I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
