My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
