just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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