3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
my poor anus
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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