I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
