So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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