My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My ATM looks so different sober.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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