my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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