omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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