my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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