Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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