so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
