Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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