Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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